‘Birth plan ’ …I think it’s kind of an ironic phrase. Curious, do births ever actually go according to plan? Maybe you are one of the lucky ones. I hope so. To be honest, I didn’t really have a plan, other than knowing I wanted to deliver at the hospital, and I didn’t really like the idea of being induced. I wanted my baby girl to come whenever she was ready. Even still, I had these gut feelings throughout my pregnancy that, one, I would have to have a c-section and, two, that she would be small. Little did I know just how much God was preparing my heart for the difficult weeks ahead. Eleanor was born 10 weeks early in an emergency cesarean delivery, weighing 3 lbs.
The week leading up to Eleanor’s birth, I was recovering from Covid. As a result of being quarantined, my regular prenatal appointment was canceled. Instead I was advised by my doctor on how to monitor and treat my symptoms. I remained cautious, but tried not to worry because we had listened to her strong heartbeat on the home doppler and watched her move around in my tummy the whole time. Everything was fine… until it wasn’t fine. On morning 13 of my 14-day quarantine, I wasn’t feeling her move. After a call to the hospital and some logistical arrangements for me to come in were made [if I didn’t feel like enough of a leper before, you can bet that I did by this point], Zach took me to the hospital to get checked. Although he did not have Covid, he wasn’t allowed to come in with me. But as nervous as we were, we both believed that all would be well and we’d be heading back home relieved. Wrong.
Routine tests to check fetal movement confirmed that our baby was not getting adequate blood flow and oxygen, likely because of a clotting issue related to covid (but doctors still can’t be 100% certain). Without a second to waste, Zach was allowed up and we were rushed back for an emergency c-section. I was so relieved to have him by my side. The room was arctic and there was an entire entourage of doctors and nurses ready. I just remember praying over and over, “God meet me in this room, God meet me in this room.” I was completely calm and had a blanket of peace over me & that is something that I am reminded of- God didn’t have to meet me. He was already there. The Holy Spirit dwelling inside me.
My labor and delivery nurses were absolute angels. I still think about one in particular… Actually, she is the mom of a student I had recently taught in kindergarten. She took down her PPE, put her forehead to mine, and just held me and spoke peace over me while I got a rapid spinal block. In what must’ve been no time at all, they had Eleanor out. The tense energy in the room was more than I could bear. She didn’t cry. We couldn’t see her. No one was telling us anything and I couldn’t seem to form the words to ask. Zach did it for us. They finally told us she was okay. I heard a nurse say, “Happy Birthday”. At that, I finally caught my first breath since that morning. Our lives are forever changed. Welcome to the world, Eleanor. We have a baby… Everything gets a little hazier for me after that.
Zach never left my side, but the team from Children’s Hospital took Eleanor away. I wouldn’t even lay eyes on her for another 3 days. Tell me that’s how you plan on things going. I was in a lot of pain and hemorrhaged. As time passed, I heard someone say, “she’s going to the ICU.” I remember thinking- of course she is… she is an entire trimester early. I later realized that they were talking about me. When the doctor was finally able to slow the bleeding, they allowed Zach to go see Eleanor, and they rolled me to the ICU where I would spend the night, alone, getting blood transfusions. I wouldn’t realize until recovery that my life hung in the balance as well. So here is our first night as a family- I’m in ICU, Zach is quarantined in a separate labor and delivery room, and our daughter is at an entirely different hospital. With such uncertainty of the outcome, a special exception was made and my mom was allowed to stay at Children’s with our precious preemie and kept us updated.
I can hardly begin to explain the feeling of brokenness, fear, and defeat that I was feeling at this point. The emotional trauma that followed would not let up for the next 49 days with Eleanor fighting for her life in the NICU. Zach and I were only allowed to visit her one at a time. I remember the evenings of being home alone and crying on the floor of her nursery, praying, “God, please let us keep her.” So many of you joined us in that prayer and I am eternally grateful. But I placed so much blame on myself. My body didn’t do what it’s supposed to. I couldn’t protect her. Our nurses were absolutely amazing, but all I could think was that she shouldn’t be wrapped in wires and crying from needle pokes. She should be safe inside me still. I’ve come to learn these feelings are common for preemie moms, and the feelings of motherhood take so many forms.
For the mom whose baby was born too early, I see you. For the mom whose baby spent time in the NICU, I see you. For the mom of a sick baby, I see you. To the mom who has sent a baby or child to be with the Lord, my heart aches for you. To the expecting or new moms battling fear and anxiety over their baby, my prayers are with you. To the mom of a happy, healthy baby, I am so joyful for you. To the woman desperately wanting a baby, God has a plan for you. That’s just it… it’s God’s plan. Our motherhood journey is not always going to be perfect. We live in a broken world because of the Fall of man. And I don’t say that lightly. I wrestled with God internally while I was accepting this truth. I believe parenthood can be one of the greatest displays of surrender that we can ever have to His plan. Every single one of those babies grows the faith and points to His magnificence. Every. Single. One. Whether we understand the full scope of His plan or not. He redeems all of it.
Eleanor is home today and doing so well. She is living, breathing evidence of God’s faithfulness. Our hearts are surrendered to His plan for our lives. Zach and I are so blessed to be her parents and thank God for the miracles He has allowed us to experience. Our marriage is stronger. Our priorities are refocused. The love and support from our people has blessed us beyond words.
Love,
Tori
[…] I could’ve imagined. We had our newborn photos taken following our long stay in the NICU. Click here to read Eleanor’s full birth story. I will cherish these photos forever. The celebration of […]